So with more free time on my hands I began to obsess, of which I am somewhat of an expert. I started wondering if it was my fault after all… Was it because I was too ugly, too fat, or too old? Was the fact that J saw me giving birth also turning him off? I couldn’t figure out what it was that I was doing wrong. I tried to talk to him about it but he just got defensive and angry. He would get so mad and told me that I was making a big deal about nothing, that all he was is tired and that I should stop hassling him about it. I would just end up in tears or frightened that he would break something (but I was never scared that he would hurt me or our son).
Because I felt I had no other option – I started snooping. Its something I am not proud of but I had to know… Was he having an affair?
I found collections of porn magazines hidden in the garage and when I checked his phone I didn’t find any incriminating pictures or messages (that I could find). So I turned my attention to the computer. What I found on there turned my stomach. I found that he had been frequenting a fetish website which had online videos. I won’t go into detail but he had saved many S & M videos. Now I had never been adverse to mild S & M (handcuffs and spanking etc) but this seemed way too hardcore for me and it even frightened me. The women in the videos did not look like they were enjoying themselves as some were even crying.
My whole world turned upside down. Was this what he wanted to do to me? Is this why our ‘Vanilla sex’ wasn’t turning him on? I couldn’t possibly allow him to do those kinds of things to me that were in his videos. I felt sick.
I confronted him later on and he told me that the only reason he was looking at those videos was because he couldn’t find another site with normal sex videos. I told him what a load of BS I thought that was and how disgusted I felt about the whole thing.
I couldn’t approach him about our sex life for a long time after that. Thinking back I wonder if my judgemental actions and words made him even more reluctant to have a discussion about sex later on…
Tales from a Sex Starved Wife 
“Thinking back I wonder if my judgemental actions and words made him even more reluctant to have a discussion about sex later on…”
When are you going to stop blaming yourself?? He wouldn’t talk about it BEFORE then.
There is nothing wrong with YOU.
Hi BigSister,
Thanks for your comment. You are so very right and I know that now, but I imagine there are a lot (too many) women out there still blaming themselves for the state of their relationship. Its very therapeutic to write about what happened (is happening) to me – get it all out in the open and show other women that they are not alone. Thanks for your support.
Oh, I so feel your pain. My ex husband didn’t want to sleep with me either and it’s such a shameful and difficult topic for women to discuss because everyone thinks men are supposed to be after you for sex all the time. Mine claimed a porn addiction was keeping him from wanting to fuck me. I wrote a post about it awhile back. http://lifeofalovergirl.wordpress.com/2012/10/06/109/ Glad to have found your blog.
Thanks lifeofalovergirl,
I think its really important to share your story, to show people how you got to the place you are currently in. For most people a sexless marriage is a slow and gradual thing and the things that lead up to it are many and varied. Let us hope that we serve as a warning and a guide to those that are starting to suspect that their marriages are becoming sexless too.
I’ll certainly stop by and visit your blog soon, thanks for sharing 🙂
The fear.. this is the illusion that we are able to share with another what we truly want inside, we know more is there yet the capable place within us says I will be rejected we limit our own capacity in fear. Or what’s worse is that it becomes misunderstood, we witness an action as a child and feel sick inside because we see something that is familiar, the beating that I took as a child had me looking at similar things and then was closet inside of it.. I was ashamed, I was broken and I was hiding.. Not ashamed of what I wanted but what it meant to hide something inside myself that truly was a punishment I endured with no explanation and no chance to heal cause I was always hiding placing the lie inside myself as my own identity.. The truth in how something becomes stagnant is never about the person outside you it is the disconnection inside you that you stopped sharing with the other. How do you tell them these things and feel safe and feel you won’t be judged or it will change how they love you. This is how most males exist in pain.. I would know I was one.. I didn’t ever want to reject anyone, but the truth was how could I accept anything if I didn’t accept myself. I was taught not to.. I chased my tail for years due to this and was alone because I couldn’t see that I was abandoning what mattered most… Myself in love of itself… loved this post than you for sharing it. It was a gentle reminder of where I came from.
Clark
Hi Clark,
Thank you so much for sharing, I know how difficult it must have been for you to open up like that. It is wonderful to get a male point of view because often the other partner does not want to (or can’t) communicate the pain and confusion they are going through. I tried very hard for many years to get my husband to open up to me and in some way I feel like I failed him because I could not earn his complete trust. All I wanted was an explanation as to why he didn’t want me, even if it was simply that he didn’t love me any more.
I hope in the end you found your Lois Lane and also found the courage to trust her enough to open up to her so that she can accept you completely.
Take care…