Waiting…

Well J has kept to his word.  I thought I would take a step back and wait for something to happen.  Nothing yet, not even an attempt to initiate “reset sex”.  The suspense is killing me… I almost want to get it over and done with just to see what happens next.  But I also want to know if how I think I feel, is really how I feel in my heart.  That probably sounds a little convoluted and confusing (I didn’t sleep much last night) but I sometimes feel as though there are two different parts of me at war with each other.

At least if he attempts to have sex with me and I feel revulsion, then I’ll know for a fact that it is well and truly over.  If I don’t feel repulsed but J doesn’t attempt to have sex with me again at least a week later, then I’ll know it was just reset sex and yes, again – it is over.  One way or the other I’d like to know… looks like I’ll need to let him know I am interested.

I’m probably just setting myself up for more rejection here but I’m a stronger person than I was before and know what to expect (all too well).

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“The Talk” (Part Two)

lonely-woman

Last weekend was so stressful for me.  I knew I couldn’t continue to put up with J coming on to me the way he has so I decided to have another “Talk” with him.  The first time I had “The Talk” with him was a long time ago when I was trying to get across my feelings about our Sexless Marriage.  He reacted badly at the time and I was expecting something similar this time too.

So I sat down and wrote him another letter.  The gist of it being how angry I was for being forced into a sexless marriage.  I repeated again how it had made me feel, how all this has had a devastating effect on me both mentally and emotionally.  I have felt anxious, insecure, frustrated,  angry, degraded, humiliated and rejected.  My self-esteem has taken a massive blow, and I have even been depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts because of all of this.  I told him bluntly that he has been rejecting me sexually and pushing me away (emotionally) for our entire marriage.

I also mentioned how I had been wondering all these years why all this was happening.  Was he having an affair, was he addicted to pornography, was he secretly gay, was it simply that he no longer loved me anymore and didn’t know how to leave me, was I useless at sex, or did he want someone into BDSM sex?  I told him how I had pondered all these painful things and finally narrowed it down to either an Asexual orientation or Sexual Anorexia.

I told him I felt like I had finally understood and accepted what was happening with him and now I feel like he has changed the rules yet again.  I explained he had hurt me too many times for me to trust him again and I didn’t want to have a sexual relationship with him anymore.

So I sat there while he read all this and nervously waited for the inevitable explosion.  It never came.  J was very quiet and thoughtful while he read my letter and when I was finished he leaned over and took my hands and apologised for what he had put me through.  He said that his lack of desire was due to his low Testosterone because he was overweight, and now that he had cut out caffeine and sugar and lost weight (I think about 13kg to date), his Testosterone levels were going back to normal.

I told him that while I was happy that he had FINALLY gone to the doctor about this and that he was actually making an attempt to lose weight, it was a case of too little too late.  I was too hurt and scared to let him get that close to me again and that I didn’t trust that this was going to be a lasting thing with him.

Essentially he said that he was going to back off, give me some time and try to win back my trust.  I said okay but I told him not to expect me to reciprocate.

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Asexuals and Sexual Anorexics

After living in a sexless marriage for the last 13 years and trying to come to terms with it, I have read extensively on the internet as well as various books and articles about the many  reasons why a partner would refuse to have sex.

I have finally narrowed the cause (in my marriage) down to one of two possibilities.  J is either a natural-born asexual person or he was made into a sexual anorexic due to being sexually abused as a child by his male teacher.  I am not trying to imply that they are one and the same.

I would like it to be very clear that there is a BIG difference between the two even if the outcome (when married to a sexual person) is often the same (ie. divorce).

Asexuality is defined in Wikipedia as:

The lack of sexual attraction to anyone or low or absent interest in sexual activity.  It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the four variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality.  A study in 2004 placed the prevalence of asexuality at 1%.

And the Asexual Visibility and Education Network define asexuality as:

A person who does not experience sexual attraction.

Whereas Sexual Anorexia is defined as:

A pathological loss of “appetite” for romantic-sexual interaction, often the result of a fear of intimacy to the point that the person has severe anxiety surrounding sex with emotional content i.e. in an intimate relationship.

Therefore Asexual people are naturally born that way, and they do not have a psychological disorder.  They are not of that orientation due to any kind of trauma unlike Sexual anorexics who have a very real psychological disorder.  This is usually due to some kind of sexual trauma in their past.

If you’d like to know if your partner is asexual you might want to get them to try doing a quiz.  I’ve found a couple of quizzes on asexuality but I am not sure as to their validity.  The first link was posted on the Asexuality and Visibility Education Network forum and the second link was from a basic internet search:

If your partner turns out to be asexual, they might want to consider visiting an Asexual community website to learn more.  If you suspect that your partner may be a Sexual Anorexic, I would strongly advise you to persuade them to seek some counselling.

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Mind Games

I don’t hate my husband but sometimes he makes me angry beyond words…

He hinted to me quite strongly on Monday night that he wanted to have sex with me.  I just gave him an incredulous look and then he said “Well now that I’ve lost some weight….”

I just shook my head and said “No I’m tired” and walked off.

Who the fuck is he to deny me on and off for 13 years and then when I finally (FINALLY) get to a place of acceptance, he says he wants to have sex after 9 months of nothing!

Who would expect someone to agree to something like that just out of the blue?  Does he truly not understand what he has put me through?  Has he forgotten so easily all the arguments we’ve had, all the tears I’ve cried over this?  I really just can’t believe the gall he has to even ask me.

I don’t know how to handle this.  It really upset me and made me so angry I couldn’t even sleep that night.  I can’t ever imagine having sex with him again.  I don’t trust his motives for doing it and I don’t trust him.  I feel like he’s suddenly got an urge and just expects me to scratch his itch for him.  What about me?  What about my feelings in all of this?

I’m wondering if all this will bring things to a head early… I’m not ready financially to leave and I hate that all of this has come all at once.  I’m 3 days into my new job and on top of handling the stress of learning all the new systems and procedures, I now have to deal with this shit too?

Un-fucking-believable…

I can’t work him out… I don’t know if this is just some kind of mind game that he is playing with me or if he really does want to have sex with me.  He may have upset me but I’m not playing this game anymore…  I guess if he pushes the matter, I’ll have to have it out with him, explain that I think he is asexual (or a sexual anorexic) and that I don’t want to have a sexual relationship with him anymore.  It’s the worst time ever for this to have happened (a really expensive and stressful time of year), but I guess it just can’t be helped.

FML – I’ve had enough of this bullshit.

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I Don’t Hate You (thoughts about my husband)

aaa

Its been 9 months since we last attempted to have sex

Since I was last touched intimately by anyone

And you are so happy

Not stressed, no sexual pressure from me

To do what you hate the most

To have sex with me.

You love me more than ever

Our ‘relationship’ has never been better

And I smile in disbelief as you hug me.

My life feels like a cosmic joke

A living hell

Born with a rare sensitive personality type

Shackled to a man with no sex drive.

But I can’t hate you

That would be like hating you for the colour of your eyes

You were born (made this way) before I met you

I would have to hate myself

For staying with you

For putting up with this life

The decisions I have made

But I can’t do that

Because I loved you.

None of this was done out of spite

With an intention to hurt one-another

So now with every success in my life

That you celebrate with me

I move further away from you

Two steps forward, one step back

Toward the Event Horizon

Of my Freedom.

The gravitational pull, not so noticeable before

Is getting stronger

Every time you say you love me

And give me a peck on my lips

I feel pity for you

This is the calm before the storm.

Will you react with surprised outrage

When I leave?

Will you claim not to know why I left?

Will you blame me for causing drama

In our perfect life just for the sake of it?

I fear your reprisal towards me, but still

I pity you.

It will take me a long time to find love again

But find it I will

You will be forever searching

And blame me for your loneliness.

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Time Out…

aspring

There has been so much going on lately that I needed to take a little time out as I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed.  I needed some time out from my emotions, time out from thinking, time out from blogging, time out from everything.

I think the straw that broke the camel’s back was the seizure my son recently had.  My son is fine now (no re-occurances thank God), but I’ll be taking him to the Royal Children’s Hospital today for an EEG just to be sure there isn’t an underlying condition.  I hope that none of you ever have to go through something like that as I have never been so scared in my life (I had no idea what was happening to him).

It prompted me to take a good hard look at myself (my feelings and reactions at the time), at life (what I want for myself and for my son) and think about what was really important to me (what do I want to do with my life, my career, my personal relationships).  It was all too much - too confusing and overwhelming so I just shut down.

Now that I have regained my equilibrium (somewhat), I feel a little more capable of dealing with all the things going on in my life.  Apart from my son’s health issues, I’ve also had to adjust to the fact that I have been given a promotion to a new position which will start in a couple of weeks.  It’s what I’ve wanted for a while now but I am nervous about how I will be able to adjust to full-time instead of part-time (J isn’t particularly helpful when it comes to housework), and how to deal with the stress of learning a new job which is a lot more complicated than the one I am currently doing.  I’m sure it will all work out in the end (it has to) but I can’t help worrying about it.  I’m also wondering how I will take the breakup when it occurs without letting it affect my work and new position.

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Biting on Tinfoil

larry_underwood

During my recovery I’ve been spending a lot of time with one of my favourite books ‘The Stand’ (uncut version) by Stephen King.  Something happened on Tuesday night which makes me feel particularly close to Larry Underwood (pictured above from ‘The Stand’ movie) who is one of the main characters in the story.

On Tuesday night I had the biggest fright of my life which made my bowel cancer scare, pale in comparison.  We’d just had dinner and my son was anxious to get back to his computer game so he could finish it before bedtime.  I scraped the plates, put them in the dishwasher and called to my son asking him if he wanted some ice-cream.

No answer, so I called again.

Still no answer.  I was getting irritated by this time and went in to see what he was up to.  He was just sitting there staring blankly at the screen so I turned it off asking him if he wanted some ice-cream.  Still no response which was odd as he should have cracked it with me when I switched the screen off.

I was getting worried now and turned him to face me.  The way he was sitting was odd, head tilted slightly, eyes deviated a little to the left, arms still held as if resting on the desk.  I thought he was mucking around and shook him a little telling him to cut it out.

Still no response.  I yelled for J to come and sort out our son, and walked out of the room in anger / worry / stress.

J picked him up and found that his body was rigid and told me to call an ambulance.  My heart just about stopped and I shakily made the call.

We lay our son in the middle of my bed (following the operators instructions) and I sat by him waiting for the ambulance while monitoring his breathing.  J was out on the road waiting for the ambulance.  Eventually my son came out of the rigid pose and started getting restless, moving around on the bed, rubbing his face, kicking his legs, sucking his thumb and crying.  He still wouldn’t respond to me, didn’t seem to know I was there and would not speak.

I just kept talking to him, asking him to say something, squeeze my hand – anything to let me know that he knew I was there.  No response.  Thoughts were running madly through my head – was it just an epileptic seizure, had he had a stroke and was now brain damaged, or was he going to die?

I felt like breaking down in despair, tears pricked at my eyes and I let out one sob before I viciously cut off that train of thought.  A little voice firmly told myself to cut it out, that it wouldn’t help my son or anyone else to dissolve into a blubbering mess.

That little voice in my head doesn’t make itself known that often except in a crisis.  In the past when I was a lot younger, I called it my ‘Fuck It’ attitude.  It would come to the fore when I had to make a very difficult decision, do something that frightened me, or when I needed to “harden the fuck up” to get something done.

Suddenly I knew deep in my heart and soul that I would be okay.  Even if the worst happened I knew I could get through it no matter what.

After half an hour the ambulance arrived and by this time my son was tired but responding normally to the paramedics much to my relief.  We went to the hospital and they said that my son had had an absence-tonic seizure.  It may have been caused by the blow to the head that he’d had when he fell on Monday (I’d picked him up from school early that day and had taken him to the doctor to be checked out = no concussion), or it may have been caused by the computer game or by something else.  Basically they didn’t know what had caused it.

So now we have to wait 4-6 weeks to get him in for an EEG test. In the meantime we’re to carry on as normal.  Easy to say, not so easy to do without stressing out.  My son seems back to normal now and is back at school.  I’ve got the teachers watching him like a hawk for any further symptoms but I am hoping this was just a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

What does this have to do with Larry Underwood you ask?  It relates to that little voice in my head that appears in a crisis.  If you have ever read the ‘The Stand’, there is a part in it which describes the inner core of Larry Underwood’s personality:

“…Because there is a hard streak in you.  There’s something in you that’s like biting on tinfoil.”

I think I also have that same hard streak in me and I don’t know how I feel about that.  I almost feel ashamed that I have that ability in me, to put everything (everyone) else aside in order to get the job done.  I am normally an emotional, empathetic (sometimes overly so) person, so this aspect of my personality seems completely at odds with my normal ‘outward’ personality.  When it happens, it doesn’t really feel like ‘me’.  I feel uneasy about this - it doesn’t quite ‘sit right’ with me and I’m currently trying to accept it as part of who I am.

I guess it’s good to be reminded that I can rely on myself, that I know I can cope in a crisis and that I can make the hard decisions when or if they need to be made.

I suspect that if I didn’t have this hard streak in me, I probably wouldn’t be here today…

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